I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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