We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
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I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
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His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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