I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
