It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
