I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
