the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
