And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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