put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
