Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
