he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
