i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
