I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
