If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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