somebody snuck up and got me drunk
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
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he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
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It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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