apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
