i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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