There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The power of my boobs compel you
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
