I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
