i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
