"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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