im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
