she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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