True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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