mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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