my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
