I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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