I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
