Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
