My room smells like vodka and shame
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
