If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
