my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Randomize
