i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
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The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
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You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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