If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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