We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I AM VODKA MAN
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
