did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
