so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
