Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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