My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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