I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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