omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
