My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
