I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
