he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
