I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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