for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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