the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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