you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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