I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
