whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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