Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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