I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
