We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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