this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
