I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
