Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
